She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
