Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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