I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
