Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
