I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
