wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
