Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
