i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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