you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
