There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
