the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
