you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm at about main and main street
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
