i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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