tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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