I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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