dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
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Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I need to sanitize my soul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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