Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
