So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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