Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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