I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
