it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
As shirtless as possible
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
