life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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