Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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