If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
