I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
