If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
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It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
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He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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