You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
