He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
