what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
