I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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