life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
