was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
