When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
