non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Randomize
