Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
