Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
