Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
