just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
