if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
