The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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