Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
