I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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