We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
