Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
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I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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