i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
