Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
This house was built for laser tag.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Randomize
