So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
