when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
