question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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