I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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