i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
