When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
