He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
