my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
