My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
